心情碎碎念

My grandpa passed away yesterday afternoon. Never expected this winter would be this cold for me. I knew it's about time and I have prayed to God to relieve him from pain for months. Still, part of me missed very very much the old times we spent together and naively thought he could just get better and better and that we can go out for a dinner again, as this was his favorite thing to do. It hurt me a lot to hear the guy who carried his body out from hospital to the morgue say "Now you have been healed and it's time to check you out."

Two weeks ago when I visited my grandpa in hospital, he was in a bad mood and his mind was not clear, shouting at everyone else. When I arrived, he couldn't recognize me, but he said I looked pretty and friendly. He smiled at me warmly and said three of us (grandpa, me, and my grandma) would stay together for days until Wednesday. He thought we were allies in war time and Wednesday is the time that we departed for different future. I cried for the possibility to lose him on my way home. I guess I can never get well-prepared for moment like this. 

His death seemed so unreal. He looked like sleeping when his heart beat stopped. For the last hours I accompanied him in the hospital, I didn't speak to him much. Deep down, I kept thinking how much I love him and sincerely hope he can go to a place that has only happiness and laughters. Heaven it is, with God and angels. Brian said the moment grandpa passed away, the sky looked beautiful and clouds in amazing color. An angel must have come to lead him the way. I kind of saw him properly dressed, telling me there's no need to be sorrow. His voice was gentle. To the contrary, my tears burst. I shouldn't let him worry, I know, but can't control myself. Huge headache stroke me later on. I thought I could at least dream of him. Strangely, I had a good night's sleep. No dreams, no nothing. That was rare. 

This morning, my eyes were swollen so I didn't go to work. Lucky me, my colleagues were nice. They sent warm regards and told me to take care. I tried to distract my mind and watched some movies and TV shows, even checked a few websites I usually browsed. However, I don't want to let go memories with my grandpa. Tears shed for not being able to see him again on earth. My mind was still struggling: I want him to be happy. He's been freed from illness and now lives with God. I appreciate that. I do. Really. However, the selfish me hope that he could be here with me a little longer. There's place I like to take him to, dinners I like to share with him, and more life stories I really hope to have a chance hear from him.

I realize that perhaps he doesn't need me as much as I need him. He's so important to me that I have been in fear of this day since I was a little girl. He always had high expectations on me. I am not sure if I had failed that part. I wish I could be smarter. I wish I had more glories to share with him. I wish he knows how much I care about him. Now I can only wish...

No matter what, Grandpa, I love you so much! You will not be forgotten. Never!